Went to see Ash after class to see what needed to be done today and she was having fun and planning wedding stuff. For no reason but fun. After 3 pictures passed I got hit hard and couldn't even look at the pictures. I couldn't even be in the room and had to leave. My mind was instantly flooded with all the memories of Darin and I planning our wedding and all the ideas and pictures that we would pick out to for our wedding. I started to get frustrated before I got sad. Because I thought I had dealt with all the pain associated with that and how can some simple pictures effect me in such a way. Then my mind was flooded with memories of the night I realized I couldn't marry Darin. I had told him before we even had a real strong interest that I need a man who puts God first in their lives and puts Him as their center point in everything they do. After many talks about God he said he believed that very thing. But a long while passed, we were planning our wedding now and late one night, Darin told me that he had hidden how he really felt about God the whole time, that he was afraid to lose me so he hid it from me, he thought his love would be enough to overlook my over all deal breaker. After explaining in every way possible how I felt and what I needed, Gods love, His place in our lives, what we were born for and that no matter how much I was to love him or our kids I would still love God more cause he would have given them to me... He still didn't agree. I knew that night I couldn't marry Darin. I again was brought to the memory of that night with me on the phone with my mom, after talking with Darin, standing in the street bawling to her. Telling her that idk how I could do this all again. Cause I never knew how I made it out of the last engagement that didn't turn out. I kept telling her that I couldn't do this again, that I didn't understand why this had to happen and I have to do this all again. At that moment I was filled with more fear and hurt then ever before.
This was going through my mind as I was driving home from class. After that last memory had passed I stopped myself. I realized that the devil was tempting me with these thoughts and memories. To wallow in sadness and anger cause what I wanted didn't turn out and the fact that I even had to deal with any of it. And I began to think about it more, God saved me that day. Can you imagine if I married him; how unhappy I would be? God knew Darin's true heart and reviled it to me that day. God had my back and knew what I really wanted and wasn't going to let me settle for anything less than great. Now Darin is a great guy, but not the one for me. It was a good relationship, don't get me wrong, but God knew that it wasn't going to be everything that I truly wanted. That day was such a hard day and even everything after that has been equally as hard. I chose God's path for my life and not my own. That doesn't mean that it was easy and that doesn't mean every once and a while something like this wont pop up and bring back memories that hurt, but that's why God is here. So that I can lean on Him. I know that I am free from pain and hurt from everything that is associated with him. I can tell you that I made it through it all okay and stronger than ever. Because God was my anchor and my joy. He is my love and everything I need. Because I chose God's path for me, God protected me and helped me through it all. It still amazes me, like today, what God has done for me and what he was doing for me when I didn't even realize it. All I knew at the time was that I was to follow what God wanted for me. He gave me a promise that day, that if I chose Him and His path for my life He will bless me with a man far better and more amazing then I could imagine. This is just one promise that I hold tight to my heart on what God has planned for my life. God will not fail on one word of his promises. (1 Kings 8:56-61)
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